America's most elite military men go to the limits on the summer's best tubes.
Actual words will escape the bravest man confronted with peril. The ladder starts to tip: "Hah-yah-hah!" You disembark a crowded dock with the lines still attached: "Aheesh!" Or you find yourself 60 feet behind a wild boat, squeezing the neoprene scent out of a pair of tube handles. You approach a wake that's blotting out the horizon and announce: "Nya! Hya! Whaaa!"
That's where I was during one particularly memorable tube ride for these tests, barely hanging on at the edge of collapse, when I managed to swivel my eyes to the left. There, inches away on the same tube, was Matt Roche, a staff sergeant with the Air Force Reserve Special Ops Command 920th Rescue Wing at Patrick Air Force Base near Cocoa Beach, Florida. Translation: He is one of only 350 pararescuemen in the world -- the elite of the elite. Watching from the boat was Master Sgt. Doug Kestranek of the same rescue unit, which meant I was in good hands should a tube disaster (such as the feared "nose hose") transpire.
These are the guys who would enter a combat zone in a midnight sandstorm on a Frisbee if they had to save the lives of wounded comrades. They are called into places where nobody else on Earth, literally, can -- or should -- go. For instance, perhaps, a brakeless SportsStuff Patriot Duo in a 720-degree whip. Roche, the man who would rappel into your worst nightmare to save a life, braced himself on his half of the Duo and opened his mouth as wide as mine. But intelligible words came out of it: "All right!"
I slapped the top of my head, speechless code for "Stop! Please!"
Roche twirled his index finger and yelled, "Keep going … faster!"
All caution indicators were flashing long before I plopped down next to Roche, 28. Two hours earlier, he and Kestranek, 40, grappled on a SportsStuff Air Force, a ride realistically suited for a single-person challenge. The guys had to jostle for space on the inflatable salad plate, with Kestranek absorbing an elbow to the chops while using only a pinky to hold on through a few unmerciful flings.
The guys are used to tight spots. On most missions, the crew is transported in an HH-60G Pavehawk helicopter (a modified version of the Army's Blackhawk). As many as four men will sit on the hard floor of the chopper under two humongous fuel tanks. There's barely enough room to kneel. Travel time could be eight hours, at which point they'll shimmy down a rope into the middle of an unfriendly fireworks display. Fifteen minutes on an out-of-control tube is nothing.
"They're trained to never give up," says Capt. Wade Arnold. "They have a limit we cannot comprehend."
He said this as Roche was trying to tame an HO Bomber, the fastest and most active tube of our tests. The staff sergeant would spend twice as long on the tube as anyone else. In one sequence, the Bomber went airborne, crashed down on the opposite side of the wake and went into a high-speed skim over bumps that finally flicked the tube and its rider upside down. The boat driver started to turn around for a pickup before realizing the sergeant was back in the Bomber's saddle, shaking water out of his facial orifices.
The pararescuemen, or parajumpers (PJs for short), live for a challenge. As Kestranek said, "The tougher a mission gets, the more we like it."
Back at the base, each man's locker looks like the inside of the prop shed on a James Bond set. Behind every cage are ice picks, snowshoes, running shoes, boots, snow skis, scuba gear -- anything that could possibly be used to get from here to there, no matter where "there" is. In another room are dozens of parachute bundles. A separate building houses 17-foot Zodiacs rigged with submersible Johnson outboards.
There are times when the 920th Rescue Wing will drop Kawasakis into the ominous surf at the front of a hurricane so they can train in a real-life situation -- which sometimes means reaching out from the saddle and hefting people out of the water with one arm. A couple of months later, the PJs were in the Rocky Mountains, climbing ice and trekking through snowdrifts during a little refresher course should they be needed for rescues in the mountains of a brutal Afghanistan winter.
"When we get a real call for a rescue," says Kestranek, "everyone here starts salivating."
There was no call on this day, yet the drool was running from Kestranek's chin when he saw his partner manhandle the HO Bomber. He belly-flopped onto the Connelly U-Turn, clenched the grips and fought it for 20 straight minutes while the boat circled and doodled through its own slop. The wave pool finally did him in. After a short pause, he climbed back on for another unreasonable ride. This was notable not only for the strength and endurance involved, but also because of this footnote: Kestranek has parachuted into sandstorms near Baghdad and flown through bullet storms over Panama, but this was the first time the master sergeant had ever been on a tube.
A boat passenger finally had to tell him when it was time to give up the handle. "It isn't normal for them to quit," says Arnold.
Saying "uncle" to a boat driver would be anomalous for the men who make up the smallest special ops force in the military. On average, only 10 percent of trainees make it out of the initial indoctrination course.
"Everyone has a breaking point," said 1st Lt. Harley Doubet of the 920th. "The question is, once it's broken, will you continue on? Rarely do guys fail out physically." He points to his head and heart. "It's all what's up here and in here."
By the time Kestranek and Roche landed on the Patriot Duo, the average person would have been sprawled in the bow under the care of Doan's pills and a NyQuil chaser. But instead of asking for the first-aid kit these guys were scrambling for position in the double butt stuffer that was about to become an inflatable missile. They would not towel off until the mission was complete -- in this case, until they'd mastered the Patriot Duo.
Heroic as it is, reaching a fallen comrade is not the end of a rescue mission. Once there, with as much as 200 pounds strapped to his body, a PJ transitions into the physical recovery and medical care. These are called "actions on the objective." This is why, in addition to the extreme sports gear, they also carry cutting saws, Jaws of Life and hydraulic lifts. Most important, though, is the med kit that enables them to treat any medical emergency that a physician could handle.
"Our altruistic reason for doing what we do isn't a pat on the back or money, obviously," Kestranek says. "It's to bring someone safely home, no matter the conditions."
After a ride around the horn with Roche on the Patriot Duo, Kestranek pulled himself onto the platform and into the secure confines of the boat. That's when I proudly strode forward to enter the fray with Roche, though it was on tiptoes because of the wrenching my back had taken during two previous days of testing. There was also the matter of a small scratch on my stomach, which would certainly sideline the common man.
While positioning myself next to Roche, I told him how I'd endured a "scorpion" a day earlier.
"You know what a scorpion is?" I asked.
"Mmm, I don't think so."
"It's when you hit the water so hard on your chest that your heels come up and hit the back of your head."
He scrunched his face in a sympathetic gesture. He swapped no stories. He didn't mention how he needed to get back to the base for hand-to-hand combat training that afternoon. He sat there listening to the most valiant tube-test excerpt I could muster.
Then the line came taut.
I thought for the 20th time about the motto of the men in his elite unit: "These things we do that others may live."
We casually skimmed over the mirror-smooth water. The driver was warming us up with easy arcing turns, but already I was speechless.
Hosts and Boats
We took our fourth-annual tube tests to Clermont, Florida, this year. There we hooked up with Ted Bevelacqua, who in 1997 was named by WaterSki magazine as one of the top three kneeboarders of all time, and his wife, Liz. Our test team also included professional show skier Ulrika Peroni and three kids 10-13 years old.
For towing power, we used a Malibu 23 LSV with Illusion X tower and Indmar Hammerhead 380-hp engine. Thanks to Bevelacqua's experience at the throttle, we were able to test 18 tubes over two days without any wrapped props or torn ligaments -- just a continuous chorus of laughs.
Real Lifesavers
Three years ago, Doug Kestranek was patrolling the streets of West Lake, Ohio, as a full-time police officer, and Matt Roche was working as a mortgage broker from an office in central Florida. They'd completed their Air Force duties in the elite pararescue division some years earlier. Then, within weeks of Sept. 11, 2001, both were back to active duty with the 920th Rescue Wing at Patrick Air Force Base near Cocoa Beach, Florida.
With only 350 parajumpers (PJs) worldwide, Master Sgt. Kestranek and Staff Sgt. Roche are part of the nation's smallest special ops force. In March 2003, they entered Iraq during the initial stage of our war there. Over the next 10 months, the 24 PJs from the 920th Rescue Wing, supported by up to 300 other deployed military from the 920th, would rescue 26 pilots from hostile territory.
It was with trepidation that we asked to impose on their time. Our goal was to add some toughness to our tube tests. The men, as you could guess, have been busy, yet they still came out to play … er, work … with us.
We personally thank these guys for joining us, and we humbly echo the sentiments of millions when we say, "Thank you for your service."
TUBE TESTS
Special Operations: Gotta ride it to believe it
Connelly U-Turn
A stout version of the trendy U-shape tubes, the U-Turn uses curled outside lips instead of sponsons. They allow the tube to roll farther over, plus there are no separate sponson chambers. The smaller surface area makes it fast.
Best for: Expending energy
Ejected? Yes, due to expending all our energy.
Cost: $199
Contact: connellyskis.com, 425-775-5416
Fuel US Tube
The "taco" design kept us inside the sloped walls, where we used the multiple handle positions to lean and lunge through whips. We like this tube style because the rider can use body language to affect the action behind the boat.
Best for: A second date
Ejected? No. Outside sponsons kept the tube from rolling over its edges.
Cost: $279
Contact: fuelsports.com
HO Bermuda Triangle
Three riders sit with backs to each other, ignorant to everything but voices. What we heard was a carnival on the lake. The captain in front faces each wake head-on, while the ineffectual co-pilots can only wait for the inevitable launch.
Best for: Group therapy
Ejected? No, because the driver and one rider are newlyweds.
Cost: $350
Contact: hosports.com, 800-938-4646
O'Brien Whiplash
This inflatable barrel was the most active tube of the tests because it slides on a thin surface area, and the creatively placed sponsons allow the Whiplash to rotate 270 degrees. Our riders wanted to play in this one all day.
Best for: Imaginative riders
Ejected? Right through the front, like a cannonball
Cost: $239
Contact: obrien.com, 800-662-7436
Wham-O Sea-Doo Triangular Tube
We spent more time bouncing in these seats than on any other tube. Everyone -- the three riders, the driver and the observer -- laughed until someone almost coughed up a pancreas. We haven't seen a three-seat side-by-side model that moves this fast, this easy.
Best for: Recording laugh tracks
Ejected? Right out the back
Cost: $199
Contact: wham-o.com, 510-596-4200
SportsStuff Acrobat Solo
The Acrobat is a hybrid U and V shape, which could stand for "unbelievably versatile." We first rode sitting in the divot, which was like riding a beanbag chair. Then we moved the rope to the side tow point, and the thing flew. We then tried kneeling, and we flew.
Best for: Relieving boredom
Ejected? With an acrobatic cartwheel
Cost: $199
Contact: sportsstuff.com, 888-814-8833
Fight or Flight: It's you against the driver
HO Bomber
When filled to maximum capacity, both sides of the Bomber bubble up. The effect is unreal. It feels as if you're literally riding on air, which makes driving a breeze. When the boat took gradual turns at 7 mph, the Bomber was really flying.
Best for: Any type of boat because the tube will go
Ejected? With a shoe in the back
Cost: $179
Contact: hosports.com, 800-938-4646
Hydroslide Big Green Machine
An extra row of handles toward the tube's center allowed us to pull our weight back and get air under Big Green. The grips are as comfortable as any we tested.
Best for: A two-person free-for-all
Ejected? No, but only because this was the first tube tested, and the driver was still warming up.
Cost: $199
Contact: nashmfg.com, 800-433-2901
O'Brien Wake Wizard 1
We found that by adding the removable insert pad and reclining, you could keep the driver from flinging the tube. But … when we rode on our knees, we were saying our prayers.
Best for: Adaptability -- you can be brave and kneel or a chicken and sit.
Ejected? Like a Hall & Oates cassette
Cost: $229
Contact: obrien.com, 800-662-7436
Sevylor Twin Extreme
We tested the Twin Extreme with all variations of kids and adults. The driver couldn't flip anyone because the inflatable seat beds engulfed us, and the handles were easy to squeeze. It was like flying around on a love seat.
Best for: Riders with average hips and good grips
Ejected? No, due to above-average strength
Cost: $129
Contact: sevylor.com, 323-727-6013
SportsStuff Stunt Flyer
Simple S-turns at the wheel sent the Stunt Flyer flashing across the wakes -- and several times into flight off speed bumps in the flats. The thin profile and ribbed bottom make it fast, and the wide surface area makes it lift.
Best for: Gritting (riders) and grinning (passengers)
Ejected? Quickly followed by a ker-splash
Cost: $159
Contact: sportsstuff.com, 888-814-8833
World Ski Lines Double Wakester
Squatting, with the center of gravity down low, not only amplified the speed but also added some semblance of control. We graded this higher than the single Wakester of two years ago because it's more fun with two people.
Best for: Talking (and screaming) on the go
Ejected? The tube's three-sided "stalls" kept us in place.
Cost: $179
Contact: worldskilines.com, 800-556-3846
Comrade Rides: When you need a co-pilot or crew
Connelly 4x4
This is one of few tubes that can hold four riders and still be flung into the flats at a hair-blowing clip. The seats are shaped and cushioned to hold just the essentials, so we could sit above the water and discuss oncoming whips.
Best for: Party tubers
Ejected? No
Cost: $229
Contact: connellyskis.com, 425-775-5416
Rave Tirade
Two riders called this the most comfortable tube because of the handle positions -- neoprene pads for the knuckles and the soft-seat bottoms. We love that patented roostertail, too.
Best for: Cruising and chatting
Ejected? No. But it did get tippy when the weight difference of the riders was more than 60 pounds.
Cost: $199
Contact: ravesports.com, 800-659-0790
SportsStuff Patriot Duo
The deep seats and extra side-to-side width kept us secure in vicious whips … mostly. Fill the seat pads tight, and the result is extra spring over wakes. The headrests came in handy immediately following sketchy moments.
Best for: Surprising the "cozy" out of friends
Ejected? Ka-boing! Hang on to the handles, folks.
Cost: $259
Contact: sportsstuff.com, 888-814-8833
Flyers in Training: Let the real kids take a crack at it
Sevylor Firebird
Every kid gravitated toward the sports car. Like the Pontiac version, the Firebird has an aerodynamic shape, a sloped windshield and a giant spoiler. Our testers found it so stable that they wanted cup holders for their Pepsis.
Best for: Showing off
Ejected? Only when the adults gave it a whirl
Cost: $199
Contact: sevylor.com, 323-727-6013
Stearns Jamaican Isle
You could easily thrill two adults on the Jamaican Isle, but we think it's ideal for kids. The deck is huge -- nearly 7 feet by 7 feet -- and in a horseshoe shape to augment speed while maximizing space. The remount straps are great.
Best for: Driving kids crazy
Ejected? Not yet
Cost: $179
Contact: stearnsinc.com, 800-697-5801
World Ski Lines Drag Bike
At the end of the day, our 12-year-old male tester confidently called this Drag Bike the best ride of all. The unique motocross design sits on top of a wide running surface to keep it stable in straightaways. It also puts the brave riders high above the water where bugs can fly into their teeth.
Best for: Two young dragsters
Ejected? We found it doesn't take hairpin turns like a Kawasaki.
Cost: $179
Contact: worldskilines.com, 800-556-3846
